So – A Postnatal Depression Poem

We’ve been thinking a lot about creativity and it’s importance and what it means to us over the past few weeks. I wanted to pause for a minute and share this poem. Some of you may have read it before. To me, this in an example of using creativity to express deep and complicated thoughts and emotions and to document a certain time period. This postnatal depression poem is only a snippet of all that I felt but I’m so glad I documented it at the time.

As I am in the new(ish) baby phase again for the second time since having postnatal depression, I can’t help but reflect on that time in my life. I am grateful for all I have learned because of it. If that is your reality just now, please know you’re not alone and you can get through it. It took me a few years but I got there. Use your own judgement on whether to continue reading as it may be triggering for you ❤.

I wrote the following poem the night before we moved halfway across the country to our current home. My eldest son was nearly 3 years old and my daughter was 18 months old. I was meant to be writing a guest post for a blog, but it came out of my heart as a poem, so here you are! This is where my story starts in a way. This is why I am so passionate about encouraging others and being a creative homemaker and devoted wife and mother. I have fought so hard to get to where I am that I am determined to make the very best of it. The PANDAS Foundation are a great postnatal depression help and support charity.

So. A Postnatal Depression Poem

We have a new daughter, hooray!Hooray!

She’s such a wee darling,

so happy to meet you,

so happy to see you,

to hold you,

to love you.

So happy to teach you,

to guide you,

to love you.

So happy to lead you each step of the way.

My heart breaks I can’t feed you,

my darling, my daughter.

My heart breaks I’m so useless,

so guilty,

so sad.

I could do it before, what’s wrong with me now?

So tiny,

so helpless,

so hungry for life.

You’re happier now

my darling, my daughter.

You’re growing

and changing

and sleeping so well.

And yet…

My heart breaks for you my darling, my daughter.

My heart breaks for worry,

for fear,

for guilt.

I should do better for you,

I should be stronger

be happier,

be more “there” for you.

And yet…

I can’t.

I can’t.

I go through the motions

for yourself and your brother.

I go through the motions

and rein it all in.

I go through the motions

and wish I could cry too

as fervently wild as a newborn babe.

But,

I can’t.

I watch you grow so strong and so lovely,

so content

and so loud

and so full of life.

I love you so dearly, my darling, my daughter,

I love you so dearly,

it hurts,

it hurts.

It hurts me to be like this,

to be so unlike myself.

To be so controlled by each wave of emotion,

by each worry,

each fear,

each thought.

I’m so guilty,

and useless,

and worthless,

and lonely.

And you’re so forgiving,

and loving,

and happy.

I will strive for you my darlings,

my precious little darlings.

I will strive to do better

to be who I can be.

I may falter and stumble.

I may slide back again,

but I’ll fight,

I’ll fight

and I’ll kill this beast.

This horrible cloud that sucks the life,

and joy,

and hope from life.

That makes me ask

“who is she, the old me?”

to the one who knows me,

who loves me

and holds me.

Each sob wracks his body

as much as my own.

I will strive for you my darling, my husband, my love.

I will strive for you my darlings,

I will fight.

I will win.

“So – A Postnatal Depression Poem” was written by Kathelle on the 24th June 2015 x